I was born a highly sensitive child. And although I'm learning it's one of my super powers, as a child I felt overwhelmed and swamped by intense feelings and energies (that of my own and those around me). I was hyper-aware of dynamics within my family that others seemed unaware of. I was hyper attentive to the feelings of others and because I couldn't make sense of my intense somatic experiences I became overly concerned for others. If they were ok, I was ok.
I felt big and I felt a lot.
No one else around me seemed to have what felt like an antenna as a body. No else around me seemed to be able to feel the things I could feel, notice unseen tensions and feelings in people. And so, I learned to pack it down and shove it in. I became reliant on my mind for protection and safety, living in a perpetual hypervigilant state. I can resonate deeply with Elsa's attempts to 'conceal, don't feel, don't let it show.'
I was terrified of my feelings and held a core belief that there was something deeply wrong with me.
Over the years, coming home to myself has been both tedious and liberating. My embodiment journey has been long and deep. It's a windy road with unending layers and turns. Making a home in my body has been painful in so many ways. From years of not knowing how to listen and feel, I've returned to what feels like a mountain of repressed feelings and memories; terror, panic, fear, grief...you name it.
BUT, I hold so much fucking gratitude and empathy for my body these days. All these sensations, all this time, have been my body trying to guide me into healing and wholeness. Because that's what the body does. It's wired for healing. It's hard to believe - but our pain is an invitation. And I don't say this to invalidate. I don't say this in a fluffy ' your pain is not that bad' sort of way. Quite the opposite. I say this because I've been through hell to know that truth. I was forged in a fire to know that truth. And it hurt like hell. And I was stripped naked down to my core.
I say this, because I've lived it. I am still living it. And it's taking me a long long time to be able to place a hand on my body and say wholeheartedly 'I love learning the sound of your voice'.
It's a paradox of life, we birth our highest potential in the experiences and feelings we so desperately avoid.
Not only that but it is only through out wounds we come into our light. It's a paradox of life, we birth our highest potential in the experiences and feelings we so desperately avoid. The mess holds the gold, so they saying goes. When we suppress our feelings and experiences, especially in childhood, we often suppress our light too. Our authenticity, our gifts, passions and purpose. Retrieving our lost and often caged soul requires an enduring journey down into the darkened depths of yourself.
The journey to our real and truest selves takes us deep and far.
And takes us into the depths of our flesh. And asks of us a thousand sacrifices. And asks of us to feel into the weight of ancient long-buried pain carried within your cells and DNA. To be possibly the first one in your generational lineage for perhaps a thousand years to feel...
To put a stop to trauma patterns and dysfunctional patriarchal conditioning.
To be the answered prayer of your ancestors.
It's savage, I know. It requires heaps of strength and courage. You will discover what feels like a bottom-less pit of wounds and trauma. For huge chunks of your journey, you will feel alone, with only a few guides and helpers along the way. Because many orbit the invitation to true becoming and authenticity, but very few are brave enough to walk the path. If you are lucky enough, as in my case, a crisis will push you in. But this period in the desert, the psyche exile, is necessary. Away from outer voices and opinions, we can begin to hear the inner voice. This takes a lot of refinement, especially in a world that passively discourage's inner knowing. Conformity is a poison pumped into the intravenous drip of society. We are encouraged to 'be your true self', but the real status quo is 'be yourself, but don't make us uncomfortable', 'be yourself, but only if that falls in line with our narrow minded norms', 'be yourself, but don't rock the boat'. (I salute all boat rockers!!) It goes without saying, waking up feels disorientating, confusing and like an utter free-fall.
But, for every glimpse of intimacy and trueness you feel...you will know it's worth it. Slowly but surely, you will feel the seed of Self start to crack open and take form. You will begin to feel moments of unfolding. You may even hear the whisper of gratitude from your Grandchildren's children as your Great Grandmother's Grandmother's grief is finally being held. You will feel more alive than ever. You won't be led by the false thirsts of your mind, but by the deep, real and heart-soaked desires of the soul and rich intelligence of the body. You will feel more at home than you ever have. You will feel your connection to everything around you. You will develop a BURNING and RELENTLESS compassion for others (and yourself). You will no longer dismiss or avoid other people's pain; you can sit with theirs because you have sat with your own. You will no longer push away love, but begin to receive it.
You will (re)member all that you have forgotten. And you will realise that who you are, at your core, the person you were born to be...is deeply worthy, loved, enough and needed in this world. You will unearth your unique medicine.
Healing doesn't come from fixing, overcoming or correcting our symptoms. But instead turning toward the deeply embedded wisdom found at the heart of our experiences. It's creating and nurturing a multitude of relationships within. It's recognising that all our parts belong. They each hold a pearl of intelligence. Each leading us home to our wholeness. Healing is simply increasing our bandwidth to hold and validate each part, with attunement and care.
Symptoms are simply signpost's within the map of the soma, a compass within the story of your (and the collective) body.
With the backing of the timeless mystics, yogis and alchemists, as well as contemporary psychotherapy and contemplative neuroscience, I've discovered it's actually love - to our self, our parts, our past, our wounds and our ancestors, that is the most potent elixir for transformation.
For becoming who you are meant to be.
Love.
With all my (ever-growing and remembered) love for you,
Katy xx
Where do we begin to find this healing?